Kindred Keri: I Have Different Political Views

I've been friends with Kim for more than 10 years, and while we have different political views, we've always been able to have civil discussions. In larger gatherings, the group is usually diverse and respectful, but at smaller ones, where her far-right friends are present, the conversations often turn disrespectful, especially toward marginalised groups. 

Yesterday, during a gathering, her neighbour Jake and his brother made offensive comments about trans-athletes and immigrants, which made me uncomfortable. I tried to stay quiet, but when I was dragged into the conversation, I eventually had to leave the group and retreat to my room. 

Kim, who wasn’t present during the conversations, later defended Jake, saying he didn’t know any better and was a nice guy. I tried to explain how their comments felt like an attack on people I care about, but she made it seem like I was overreacting. 

After a sleepless night, I left early and texted an apology, but I haven't heard back from her yet. Now, I’m wondering if I was in the wrong.

Kindred Keri says:

It's clear you care deeply about your friendship with Kim, and it's understandable that you're feeling conflicted after such a challenging situation. You’ve always respected your differences, which shows the strength of your bond, but it seems like recent events pushed you to a breaking point. 

When we find ourselves in conversations where deeply held values, especially those around equality and justice, are challenged or dismissed, it can feel like a personal attack—not just on ourselves but on those we care about and the marginalised groups being disparaged. It's natural that you would feel uncomfortable and even upset. Your decision to remove yourself from the situation was a way of protecting your peace, and that’s something you shouldn't feel guilty about.

As for Kim defending Jake and downplaying your feelings, it sounds like she wasn’t aware of the full context of what happened. That doesn’t excuse her dismissal of your emotions, but it might explain her reaction. Sometimes, people who aren't directly affected by discriminatory comments don’t fully understand how hurtful they can be.

Reaching out with an apology shows you're trying to maintain the friendship, but it's important to acknowledge that you are not in the wrong for feeling how you do. Your feelings are valid. It might be worth having an honest conversation with Kim, explaining in more depth why those comments hurt you and what you need from her in terms of support going forward.

Remember, friendships should be built on mutual respect, including respect for each other’s values. If Kim is a true friend, she will listen and try to understand your perspective. If not, it might be time to reconsider how much energy you're investing in this relationship.

Take care of yourself.