Kindred Keri: My Male Friend is Being Abused by His Wife

I’m in a difficult situation and really need your advice. My friend Mark has been married for ten years, and I’ve noticed he seems different lately—withdrawn and not his usual self. 

He rarely goes out or spends time with friends anymore, and when he does, he’s always checking his phone, like he’s nervous. He makes excuses not to talk about his wife, Sarah, and whenever she’s around, it’s like he’s walking on eggshells.

I know it’s easy to assume the husband might be the problem, but something just doesn’t add up. One time, when Sarah thought no one was looking, she grabbed his arm so hard it left a bruise, and he didn’t say anything. He just brushed it off. I’ve also overheard her berating him, calling him “useless” and “pathetic.” It’s hard to imagine, but I’m starting to wonder: could Sarah be the one hurting him?

How do I help Mark without overstepping? I don’t want to make things worse for him if I’m wrong, but I can’t stand to see my friend suffering like this.

Kindred Keri says:

Your concern for Mark is genuine, and you’re right to pay attention to these signs. It’s a common misconception that abuse in relationships only goes one way, but the truth is anyone can be a victim, regardless of gender. What you’re describing—withdrawal, fearfulness, bruises, and verbal put-downs—are classic indicators of abuse. The fact that Mark seems hesitant to talk about Sarah and appears nervous around her suggests he could be experiencing emotional or even physical abuse.

Abuse is about power and control, not size, strength, or gender. It’s possible that Sarah is using intimidation, humiliation, and manipulation to control Mark, making him feel trapped and helpless. Unfortunately, many people have difficulty recognising that a woman could be the abuser because society tends to view men as the perpetrators in these situations. This can make it even harder for Mark to seek help or even admit to himself that he’s being abused.

Start by letting him know you’re there for him, no matter what. Avoid criticising Sarah directly, as it might push him away or make him defensive. Instead, ask open-ended questions that allow him to express how he’s feeling. For instance, “You seem tense lately; is everything okay at home?” or “I’m worried about you—do you feel safe?” Reassure him that what he’s going through is not his fault and that he deserves to feel safe and respected in his relationship.

It’s important to respect his choices but also gently encourage him to reach out to a counsellor or support group. If you feel he’s in immediate danger, don’t hesitate to call a helpline for advice on how best to intervene. Remember, being a good friend sometimes means recognising the signs when others can’t—or won’t. Mark is lucky to have you looking out for him.

Stay strong, and take care of yourself as well.