Kindred Keri: My Husband's "Work Wife" Makes Him Lunch, So Do I

I’m 29, and my husband, who’s 36, and I have been married for 2 years, but we dated for 5 years before that. Recently, he got a promotion and started working in a new department where he began interacting with a 26-year-old woman I don’t like. She calls him her "work husband" when I’m around, makes him food, and gives him tight hugs.

My breaking point came last week when I saw that the lunch I made him was untouched. He said she had made him food, and he didn’t want to be rude by not eating it. I was upset, especially because I had woken up early to make his favourite meal, and this has been happening every day since. Today, I decided not to make him lunch.

When he asked where it was, I told him I didn’t want it to go to waste. He accused me of being petty, and when I tried to express how I felt, he dismissed it. How do I deal with this situation?

Kindred Keri says:

It sounds like you’re in a tough situation, and I can sense the frustration and hurt you're feeling. It’s understandable why you’d be upset—there’s a lot more going on here than just the food. 

Your husband’s relationship with this coworker has raised concerns for you, not only because of her actions but because of how it's affecting your marriage and your sense of respect and appreciation.

Firstly, let’s focus on communication. You’ve already tried expressing your feelings, but it seems they were dismissed. Sometimes, people react defensively when they feel like they’re being criticised, especially if they don’t realise the deeper emotional impact of their actions. 

Try to have a calm conversation with your husband, explaining not just the surface issue (the food) but also how this entire situation is making you feel undervalued and even disrespected. Be clear that this is not about being "petty" but about your need to feel secure and respected in your marriage.

As for the coworker, it’s also important to establish boundaries. It’s inappropriate for someone to call your husband her "work husband" and behave in ways that blur professional lines. You could discuss this with your husband and see if he understands how this might make you uncomfortable. Ideally, he should be the one to set those boundaries at work. If he’s unwilling to, that’s a red flag that needs further discussion.

Lastly, remember that your feelings are valid. You are not overreacting by asking for mutual respect and clear boundaries. It’s important that your husband acknowledges your feelings and works with you to find a solution that strengthens your relationship rather than dismissing your concerns.

Wishing you strength and clarity as you navigate this.