Kindred Keri: My Husband Is On A Dating App

After 20 years of what I thought was a stable, loving marriage, I recently discovered that my husband is on a dating app. I didn’t stumble upon it by accident—I made a fake profile to satisfy my growing suspicions, and he actually responded to “me.” I felt betrayed and devastated as I realised it was him, chatting with someone he thought was a stranger.

Now, I’m torn. Do I confront him? Do I try to understand why he did this, or is it just a sign that our marriage is over? I love him, but I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. How do I move forward when my heart is shattered?

Kindred Keri says:

I can feel the heartbreak and confusion woven into your words, and it’s understandable. A discovery like this shakes even the strongest foundations. After 20 years of marriage, you’re right to feel hurt and uncertain; trust is the bedrock of any relationship, and his actions have cracked that foundation.

Let’s start with something important: Take a few deep breaths. You don’t need to make any life-changing decisions right this second. Allow yourself to process what you’ve learned and recognise that this is an emotional earthquake—it’s okay to be unsteady right now.

When you’re ready, consider having an open, honest conversation with your husband. Start from a place of curiosity rather than accusation. A question like, “How have you been feeling about us lately?” can open the door to a vulnerable conversation. This approach may feel gentle compared to what you’re feeling inside, but it will encourage him to respond with honesty rather than defensiveness. A confrontation focused only on the “what” of his actions might just lead to denial or blame; focusing on the “why” can reveal whether there are hidden tensions or disconnections that you both may have missed over the years.

Keep in mind his presence on a dating app doesn’t automatically define the entire course of your marriage or his love for you. It’s painful and a serious breach of trust, yes, but it can also be an indication that something deeper needs attention. Relationships are complex, and sometimes people make terrible choices when they’re feeling lonely, stressed, or disconnected.

After the conversation, take some time to reflect on what you’ve learned. Give yourself the grace to consider what you truly want for your future. Healing from this will take time and effort, whether you stay together or not, but it’s worth doing for your own peace of mind.

If you both decide to work on your relationship, professional support, like counselling, can help you rebuild trust and communication. And if you choose to move on separately, remember that you are worthy of love, respect, and honesty.

I have no doubt you’ll find the clarity you need, and in the end, whatever choice you make will be rooted in self-respect and strength. Stay true to yourself and know that healing is possible, one step at a time.

With love and courage.