Kindred Keri: Am I Wrong To Distance Myself? - DWC Magazine: Strong Women, Strong Voices

Kindred Keri: Am I Wrong To Distance Myself?

Am I Wrong To Distance Myself?

My close friend and I have known each other since high school and reconnected about eight years ago. Our kids are close, and I see hers as my own nephews. Her first husband passed away unexpectedly three years ago. About two years ago, she met her current husband, and they rushed into marriage after just seven months because of custody issues involving his daughter. I warned her it was too soon, but supported her anyway. After they got married, he repeatedly disappeared, took money, and even got violent. She admitted he hit her, though she’s also been aggressive in the past.

Despite all this, she kept taking him back, and even tried therapy to save their marriage. My husband and I forgave him for her sake, but recently he disappeared again. She said she was done and moving forward with the divorce, but now she's hinting at taking him back again. When I commented on her post encouraging her to move on, she deleted it and got defensive. I told her I can’t watch her make the same mistakes, especially with kids involved, and need to step back from the friendship. My husband agrees we need to protect our own peace. So, am I wrong to distance myself?

Kindred Keri says:

Your decision to distance yourself is understandable, given the toll this situation is taking on your own well-being. Friendship, especially one that’s lasted for years, can make these choices incredibly difficult. Your intentions seem rooted in care for her and concern for her children, as well as your own boundaries. However, navigating a situation where someone you care about is caught in a cycle of abuse is fraught with complexities.

First, recognize that your friend's choices may not be as straightforward as they appear. Abusive relationships often involve deep emotional entanglement, dependency, and cycles of manipulation that can be incredibly hard to break. Victims can feel trapped by a mix of fear, guilt, and misplaced hope, which can lead to decisions that don’t seem rational from the outside. Your friend might be torn between wanting to protect her children, keep her family intact, and her own fears of being alone.

Your concern for your own peace is valid. It’s healthy to step back if you’re feeling emotionally drained or if this is negatively impacting your own family. This doesn’t make you unsupportive; it’s about preserving your own well-being, which is crucial if you’re going to be there for her in the future. However, it might be worth letting her know that you’re still there for her, but with certain boundaries. This way, she knows you care and aren’t abandoning her entirely, even if you can’t be as involved right now.

Your friend's defensiveness and deleting your comment could be a sign that she’s not ready to fully face the reality of her situation. Being gentle and supportive while holding firm on your boundaries might offer her a lifeline without enabling her unhealthy choices. Sometimes, quietly offering resources or reminding her that she deserves better can leave the door open for her to seek help when she’s ready.

Ultimately, you’re not wrong for prioritising your own mental health, especially when a situation is cyclical and outside your control. Just remember that breaking the cycle of abuse takes time, and your friend might need your support down the line. Balancing tough love with compassion is key in such difficult circumstances.

 

Back to blog

Leave a comment

Please note, comments need to be approved before they are published.